“I want to focus the hope of moving forward, I want to believe time will heal this pain, I want to be strong again. It’s easier said than done though. When you lose your life partner so unexpectedly, you quickly realize that tomorrow is not promised. It’s no longer a cliche’ saying, it’s reality. But if I don’t hold onto hope then I will be lost in:
Confusion. Abandonment. Loneliness. Disappointment. Pure torture.
I miss my husband. I want him so much. But reality?… I can’t do a damn thing to bring him back. I’m powerless.
How am I doing this? On auto pilot? Is this survival mode? I smile to hide the agony because nobody could handle what I’m really thinking. People want to see me grieve, but I don’t understand that – why can’t they respect my isolation? I am sparing them from this shit; they should be grateful, not judgmental. How can anyone, other than another widow, possibly understand what this feels like?
This state of mind is unimaginable.”
Written January 2014