Numb

“I know I need to start writing because this is hurting too much – I feel like I’m going to burst at the seams.

I’ve been numb for the last 4 ½ months, I feel like I went into survival mode. Moments of sadness consume me, I feel like I’m choking or drowning. I try to grasp the reality of death: everyone dies, we never know how people in our lives will die, no matter how the person dies – everyone who loves him/her hurts. I try to be strong and let my faith carry me, but I’m human and my emotions are real. I don’t know how to process what I feel… I don’t even know how to formulate the words.

Honestly, I don’t even have the energy.

I don’t know who I am anymore – I was a strong minded individual. I was career oriented and hungry to be a successful professional. I was funny, happy, enthusiastic, loving, thoughtful….

…..I am none of these now. I am not the same without Richard. I am terrified I’m going to fail without my partner.

But I can’t fail, because I have Caleb. I’m already afraid of our future conversations; the questions he will ask, if he’s mad or sad and how does he process this reality? I pray his faith is always mature and strong so it helps heal the pain.

I get mad that he is going to have to relive this grief at different stages in his life the more he learns about his dad’s death. I’m mad that Caleb will never truly feel how much his dad loves him, and no one will be able to replace that – not even me. It was hard at first because Caleb spent every day with Richard… all day since he was 2 months old. I had to explain it the day after afternoon – he casually walked up to me and asked, “Where’s daddy?” I answered as calmly as possible, “He lives in heaven now with God.” My 2 ½ year old said “okay!” and just walked away. A sickness consumed my body. But the other day, New Years Day, was actually worse than the first time I had to tell him. Caleb turns to me and says, matter of factly, “Mommy, I want to call Daddy. I want him to come home, I don’t want him ‘up’ anymore.”

What do you say to that?”

Written January 2014