First Words

The worst pain I ever felt was losing my husband. He made me feel whole, our family was complete, we were perfect and mainly he is perfect when he died. The transformation was spiritual, emotional, mental and physical… how did I not see this? Even though we were wonderful in every way, I wonder… did I say I love you enough? Did I kiss him enough? Did I tell him how proud I was of him… enough? Did I tell him I will ALWAYS love him? Did I show my appreciation enough?

This place now is indescribable. How am I getting through each day? Is that you God- are you guiding me through these days? God, if you are here… please tell Richard, however long we are away from each other I will always love him and my love will continue to grow as if he were still on earth with me. Tell him I won’t let anyone get me down, I will stay strong in front of the kids, I will try my hardest to be strong…. but I still need to feel him near me. I need signs, or I need to hear him, just anything to know I’m not alone in this.

Rich – thank you for everything you did for me, our family and for God. You left so much for us to hold on to… so many songs, so many videos, so many memories. I know it wasn’t easy, getting to where we were… but it was so worth it. Every difficult moment or every obstacle we overcame, everything leading to your perfection. But I wish you could’ve stayed…there was so much left for us to do. We were suppose to have more kids…expand our gym… tour the USA in the summers with the kids in an RV and visit all of the touristy sites…. and take vacations just me and you to exotic locations so we can always have “us” time. We were going to have us time so when the kids left the house we would be prepared to be just us again…. but we never got there. Now here I am, alone with no idea what to do. It’s so hard. I don’t know what to do with everything or everyone you brought in my life. I have so many resources, yet I have no one. Nobody understands what we had… I mean seriously, not many married couples went to bed TOGETHER at the same time EVERY night. What we had… was unrealistically perfect.

I don’t know why I heard this the other day (lately I’ve had a hard time distinguishing my thoughts from God’s presence), but I’m holding onto “life is not about what’s here, life starts when you leave this earth”. And I want Caleb to understand there is more after this life, and be prepared, and embrace that reality so he’s not sad but instead lives a purpose driven life, like his dad. These books about heaven have helped, but nothing will replace Richard in any of our lives. I know, I know, I know, I know, I know that everything has a divine purpose….. but what is this?? I have to know… someday, please. I’m so thankful I was able to experience the best of Richard, I can’t put it into words.

I just need you God. Please help me.

Written September 2013